[and promise not to promise anymore]
Did you know that we hadn't made out in almost four months? It's hard to believe that someone who was in a relationship with someone for almost a year was entirely okay with not kissing with passion for four months. Isn't the first year supposed to be the honey-moon phase where everything is perfect and exciting? Where there are leaps and bounds of different terrain to discover with eachother?
His grandmother came into work today and said she can't wait to see me at the next family get-together. I didn't have the heart to tell her that we had split. How could he not inform his family? Part of me wonders if his parents would have ever known if I wasn't friends with his dad on facebook.
He talks to some girl on twitter with more interest than he ever talked to me, but I'm alright about it. I sound like a stalker, but really-it's twitter... I've been getting his updates sent to my phone since we started dating. I just recently took him off, because it was starting to feel ridiculous/stalkerish now that we don't even seem to have simple conversations anymore.
Am I jealous?
No.
Do I want him back?
...not really.
So, was I really in love then?
Abso-fucking-lutely, because it still hurts like a MoFo.
Especially when he ignores my presence/hides when I take his sister out for icecream.
Thanks, dude! You're awesome.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
True Colors
[if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bare
...you call me up, because you know I'll be there]
I'm done playing the love game and have come to the conclusion that it's going to be okay.
If I want to maintain this friendship, I will have to persue it, because if I stick around waiting, I will die before anything happens.
It is not going to be awkward or awful.
Nor does it dictate my happiness.
It is recreation.
...you call me up, because you know I'll be there]
I'm done playing the love game and have come to the conclusion that it's going to be okay.
If I want to maintain this friendship, I will have to persue it, because if I stick around waiting, I will die before anything happens.
It is not going to be awkward or awful.
Nor does it dictate my happiness.
It is recreation.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Where'd You Go?
[i miss you so]
I told my mother the night I knew I was in love with him that when the relationship ends, under any circumstances, that it was going to be hard and that my heart would break.
I pulled into my driveway after work today and turned off the car, leaving the radio playing. The song was "Living on a Prayer." When we were going through our first rough spot, we were driving in his car and talking it through. He took my hand and we sang this song. Because of Bon Jovi and the impeccable timing of the radio, I believed everything would be okay and in that moment, it truly was.
Oh, we're halfway there. Oh, living on a prayer! Take my hand and we'll make it I swear. Oh, living on a prayer!
I rested my forehead at noon on the steering wheel and clutched four and eight o'clock with my hands and I cried. In those tears washed away every hope, promise, and dream that I had concocted, been told, or held onto throughout the last year. I suppose I knew all along that he wouldn't be the man I ended up with, so I'm not entirely sure why I am so effected by all of this. But then again, the answer is simple.
I miss him.
I just know he doesn't miss me.
I still find myself thinking "my boyfriend."
"Oh, my boyfriend has that shirt!"
"My boyfriend went to MSU!"
"My boyfriend" this.
"My boyfriend" that.
Then I stop myself. I try to say "my friend" this/that. But we've sent maybe four texts to eachother since last week. Are we friends? He doesn't contact me. We didn't keep the date to hang out like we said we would.
I have zero closure. This. Sucks.
[feels like it's been forever, since you've been gone]
I told my mother the night I knew I was in love with him that when the relationship ends, under any circumstances, that it was going to be hard and that my heart would break.
I pulled into my driveway after work today and turned off the car, leaving the radio playing. The song was "Living on a Prayer." When we were going through our first rough spot, we were driving in his car and talking it through. He took my hand and we sang this song. Because of Bon Jovi and the impeccable timing of the radio, I believed everything would be okay and in that moment, it truly was.
Oh, we're halfway there. Oh, living on a prayer! Take my hand and we'll make it I swear. Oh, living on a prayer!
I rested my forehead at noon on the steering wheel and clutched four and eight o'clock with my hands and I cried. In those tears washed away every hope, promise, and dream that I had concocted, been told, or held onto throughout the last year. I suppose I knew all along that he wouldn't be the man I ended up with, so I'm not entirely sure why I am so effected by all of this. But then again, the answer is simple.
I miss him.
I just know he doesn't miss me.
I still find myself thinking "my boyfriend."
"Oh, my boyfriend has that shirt!"
"My boyfriend went to MSU!"
"My boyfriend" this.
"My boyfriend" that.
Then I stop myself. I try to say "my friend" this/that. But we've sent maybe four texts to eachother since last week. Are we friends? He doesn't contact me. We didn't keep the date to hang out like we said we would.
I have zero closure. This. Sucks.
[feels like it's been forever, since you've been gone]
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Using Your Headphones to Drown Out Your Mind
It was so easy and the words so sweet-- you can't remember, you try to move your feet.
The curtain opens to reveal a girl who likes to wear black-buckled high heels, flowy skirts and screen printed tshirts. She stuffs carrots into her mouth and drinks bottles upon bottles of water because she feels fat. Her friends run in from down center and surround her, encouraging her to feel happy, and she does. She looks to the left, where a spotlight fades up to full on a boy with a boy whose head is a black bush of beard. He is sitting on a bed with an invisible laptop, mimicking consumption of food, and eventually lays down to sleep. The spot fades down to 0%, the girls head drops, and the curtain closes.
My advice to you, whether you would like it or not, is as followed in this blog post.
When reality hits you in the face with a baseball bat, do not try to hide behind crocodile tears. Swallow your pride, man up, and face the consequences. After you accept your fate, learn from your mistakes. Acknowledging that you fucked up does not fix the problem.
When you obtain happiness, remember to keep it. If something or someone puts a smile on your face, don't ignore it and stuff your reactions in the closet. Let it show. React to it. Show emotion.
If you aren't ready for a relationship, do not begin one with someone. Especially if you don't want to act like a boyfriend/girlfriend.
If you are not sure what love is, whether you love someone, or how to express love, do not say those three domesticating words.
Watching television with your significant other does not count as a date. It barely counts as spending time with eachother. Especially if you fall asleep every time you see them.
Always celebrate holidays, even if they are superficial and ridiculous. If they do something nice for you, like drive you somewhere, return the favor somehow. Don't be spoiled and take advantage of it.
If you are dealing with distance, call frequently. Every day if possible. Talk to your loved one so they know you care. If you are not honestly missing the person you are dating, thinking about them, yearning to talk with them, hear their voice, be with them... why are you in a relationship?
Grow up fast, because the world is not going to wait for you. When someone loves you enough to let you catch up, don't dawdle and take your sweet time. Be courteous and pick up your pace, especially if they are waiting with a smile and an outreached hand. If you take forever to get to them, they will get tired of waiting and move on.
When you make a mistake or do something wrong, apologize in a way that makes up for it. Send flowers, sing a song, read them a story, give them a back massage, take them on a picnic---something. Don't just expect it all to go away after you say you're sorry. And when you say you are going to fix something, fix it. Don't forget about it.
Learn to take on the responsibility of the real world. You cannot rely on your family forever. You have to be independent. Save your money, work hard, study even harder, and communicate with and love the people in your life, because if you take them for granted, they will turn bitter and write blog posts about you, both hoping you will and will not read them, simultaneously, because they are mean, but typically tell the truth.
By the way, girls don't like to be strung along. They also hate it when beards aren't well-kept, hair isn't cut, and fingernails are non-existant. If they try to look nice for YOU, you should do the same. This part was mostly bitterness.
This will end my angst-ridden, obligatory break up post. Honestly? After almost a year of nearly nonexistant effort, it's a surprise that it still hurts when it comes to an end. Perhaps it's because I remained faithful to a boyfriend who was only in my life once or twice a month and yet somehow, after affection and love despite mild craziness due to life-altering events, I was still not worth his effort.
I won't make that mistake again, and I hope you won't make THESE mistakes again.
Be better for the next girl, at least.
[/end]
The curtain opens to reveal a girl who likes to wear black-buckled high heels, flowy skirts and screen printed tshirts. She stuffs carrots into her mouth and drinks bottles upon bottles of water because she feels fat. Her friends run in from down center and surround her, encouraging her to feel happy, and she does. She looks to the left, where a spotlight fades up to full on a boy with a boy whose head is a black bush of beard. He is sitting on a bed with an invisible laptop, mimicking consumption of food, and eventually lays down to sleep. The spot fades down to 0%, the girls head drops, and the curtain closes.
My advice to you, whether you would like it or not, is as followed in this blog post.
When reality hits you in the face with a baseball bat, do not try to hide behind crocodile tears. Swallow your pride, man up, and face the consequences. After you accept your fate, learn from your mistakes. Acknowledging that you fucked up does not fix the problem.
When you obtain happiness, remember to keep it. If something or someone puts a smile on your face, don't ignore it and stuff your reactions in the closet. Let it show. React to it. Show emotion.
If you aren't ready for a relationship, do not begin one with someone. Especially if you don't want to act like a boyfriend/girlfriend.
If you are not sure what love is, whether you love someone, or how to express love, do not say those three domesticating words.
Watching television with your significant other does not count as a date. It barely counts as spending time with eachother. Especially if you fall asleep every time you see them.
Always celebrate holidays, even if they are superficial and ridiculous. If they do something nice for you, like drive you somewhere, return the favor somehow. Don't be spoiled and take advantage of it.
If you are dealing with distance, call frequently. Every day if possible. Talk to your loved one so they know you care. If you are not honestly missing the person you are dating, thinking about them, yearning to talk with them, hear their voice, be with them... why are you in a relationship?
Grow up fast, because the world is not going to wait for you. When someone loves you enough to let you catch up, don't dawdle and take your sweet time. Be courteous and pick up your pace, especially if they are waiting with a smile and an outreached hand. If you take forever to get to them, they will get tired of waiting and move on.
When you make a mistake or do something wrong, apologize in a way that makes up for it. Send flowers, sing a song, read them a story, give them a back massage, take them on a picnic---something. Don't just expect it all to go away after you say you're sorry. And when you say you are going to fix something, fix it. Don't forget about it.
Learn to take on the responsibility of the real world. You cannot rely on your family forever. You have to be independent. Save your money, work hard, study even harder, and communicate with and love the people in your life, because if you take them for granted, they will turn bitter and write blog posts about you, both hoping you will and will not read them, simultaneously, because they are mean, but typically tell the truth.
By the way, girls don't like to be strung along. They also hate it when beards aren't well-kept, hair isn't cut, and fingernails are non-existant. If they try to look nice for YOU, you should do the same. This part was mostly bitterness.
This will end my angst-ridden, obligatory break up post. Honestly? After almost a year of nearly nonexistant effort, it's a surprise that it still hurts when it comes to an end. Perhaps it's because I remained faithful to a boyfriend who was only in my life once or twice a month and yet somehow, after affection and love despite mild craziness due to life-altering events, I was still not worth his effort.
I won't make that mistake again, and I hope you won't make THESE mistakes again.
Be better for the next girl, at least.
[/end]
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